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10:12pm 26/03/2006
 
mood: giggly
So I was a very depressed person and now things have completely changed. I have something that has changed my life; I have found something in myself happiness and strength. I think that it has been a long time coming. I have had a hectic internal life. I always blamed myself for the things that have happened to me. I thought that all the negative stuff and the stuff that wasnt even my fqault I always blamed myself. I had such a huge guilt trip that I placed on myself and now it has been lifted.

I feel amazing.

And to tell you the truth: I dont remember the last time that I was really down in the dumps. I feel so good.

I have love in all areas of my life with my friends and family and my boyfriend. I dont know if my life could get any better.		  
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10:07am 20/03/2006
 
mood: happy
music: Pussycat Dolls--Stick With You
I dont have too long to wait now. I'm so excited. I talk to him last night and he's excited too. It's so tough after being apart for so long. I'm actually surprised that I am handling the seperation so well because before I would have been falling apart. What other choice do I have other than to stick it out---break up with him yea well that isnt an option at all cause like I have said before I cant picture my life without him in it somehow.

He's the best person. He challenges me in way that I havent even imagine. He has helped me realize that I am the strong person that I can be and that I dont need be so self-conscience. I dont need to think that I am fat or ugly or not talented because he doesnt think that at all. He thinks that I am beauiful or sexy just the way that I am and honestly what more can you ask for. He's a great great lover and pleases me in ways that no other person has.

I am just so happy with him and if anyone knows me real well they would know that it has been a very long time since I have been this super happy. I feel like this is it this is the guy for me and I dont want anyone else.		  
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Sorry for not updating til now   
11:10pm 12/03/2006
 
mood: blah
music: Jamie Foxx--Unpredictable
I love him what can I say.

It sucks to be away from him. It hurts a lot because I feel like a part of me is missing. I mean we've been together for so long that when we're apart even for a little while its agony. I am so madly in love with him and it's like the real adult love. I just know that this one will work because I'm doing my best to not be selfish and I want him to do the things that will make his life happier. I want him to succeed in whatever he wants to do. I know it's the big love cause whenever I hear a song on the radio I think about him; I actually think about him all the time.

I just miss him and I want him back home with me. I do get to see him soon so I'm excited.


Everyone think good thoughts for me.		  
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09:45am 28/11/2005
 
mood: cheerful
music: Sean Paul--We Be Burnin
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY BITCHES!		  
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11:17am 31/10/2005
 
mood: calm
So it has now been a week since the anniversary that makes everyone sad in my family and I was thinking that it is time to dump all the negative bullshit that is in my life. I'm sure some of the people that are close to me know what I"m talking about and I will just leave names out of this. I'm sick a people that use and abuse people like me who for some reason or another decide that treating someone like utter shit is ok.

I'M NOT A GODDAMN PIECE OF MEAT!

That was to all of the PIECES OF SHIT that I have had to deal with all my life. It's not easy to put all this behind me but I cant live a productive life and hold onto the shit that has happened to me. I cant handle all the pain anymore. I have to stop being afraid to deal with the pain. I need to know what it's like to live a life without having the pain of being molested, of being rapped by two different boyfriends, my dad dying, and of having my heart broken in several pieces.

I cant breathe under this anymore and like mom said today maybe it's time to finally look into therpy or a counselor.

I just want to say that I'm so sorry for the people that i have hurt or stepped on and made them feel like shit. I was a rotten person and I shouldnt be forgiven, but maybe when eeverything is good again and I've dealt with all of my shit...

I just want to be whole and I dont want to feel like everyone is out to get me or out to use me. I dont want to think that everyone including guys and girls are out to stab me in the back. I have to let it all go and realize that all I need is what I have, (god that was cheesy and corny) but it's the truth.

I know what i have to do now and i just have to go and do it.		  
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Time to get over it?   
12:41am 27/10/2005
 
mood: blah
I hate having to deal with pain and sadness when it comes to my dad. I dont know what to do to get better and it's almost like I have become comfortable in my misery. For those people who decide to stick around me, I'm sure they're sick of me crying and whining about how I feel depressed all the time and I dont know what to do and what am I going to do...all of it's just bullshit anyway right?

I miss my dad...I wont lie. It's very difficult living at home again and being in a place that I shared with him and not seeing him here. I dont get to hear him say his famous line...short, fat, and good looking. I miss him more than I can express.

All I want is a fucking hug sometimes and I should be able to handle this on my own cause it has been like three years. I guess that I need to realize that I always have him with me and I'm sure in his own way that he makes sure that his little and only girl is doing all right. I mean shit I did graduate from college and I'm the first one of his kids to do that. I just hope that you're proud dad and I think that he would be. Why wouldnt he right?

I love you dad and I wish there was a way for you to tell me that it was ok that I wasnt there when you went into surgery and that I shouldnt feel guilty about it anymore. Maybe that is my problem. Maybe I just wish that I had him to tell me that I need to move on and that he'[s doing quite all right in heaven or wherever he is.

I love you dad (Mario Vincent Dongu June 21, 1934 to October 24, 2002)		  
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P.O.S   
10:33pm 24/10/2005
 
mood: sad
I dont even know what to say about how I feel right now.

I'm confused, hurt, destroyed, in tears, shaking...all that bullshit that comes along with pain.

Today is my dad's 3rd year anniversary...I was doing ok till a little bit ago and now I feel like complete shit.

PAIN SUX!

To anyone who read this crap: I will be ok.
I can stand on my own two feet.
I wont be hurting for much longer.		  
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01:41pm 19/10/2005
 
mood: depressed
I cant do this anymore and I cant hold my head up high and act like nothing is bothering me. Thats not the truth htere is something bothering me and it's so hard to deal with that I feel like it's squeezing the life out of me.

I cant deal with the pain surrrounding my dad's death. Yea I know that I should be on the road to acceptance and dealing with the fact that my dad isnt around anymore. I have to learn the accept that my dad wont be there for all the important things that have yet to happen. For instance, he missed me turning 21 and he missed his little girl graduate from college (the only child of his to do that). I wish that he would be the one that when I finally get married that he would walk me down the aisle.

I miss seeing his face and him trying to make everyone laugh. He had a warm spirit that would infect anyone around. Everyone used to say about him that he was so funny and yea most of the tim that was true. I just miss the fact that he isnt around anymore.

The fucked up thing about my dad's death is that I blame myself. I was the only one in the family that wasnt there before he went into surgery. I was told that before he went in he cried maybe he knew what was gonig to happen. I still shoujld have been there I mean you never know if I was there maybe he would have survived.

God this is so hard.

Monday will be worse because that day will be three years since he died and I dont know how I will handle it. I do have family around which will be good and we will help each other get through this.

I miss you dad and I just hope that you're proud of your little girl.		  
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02:51pm 28/09/2005
 
mood: blank
I'm sorry D.		  
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09:09am 21/08/2005
 
mood: pleased
For anyone who really cares I will be in Vegas for a while so those of you special people that love me you know how to get a hold of me...I'll give you a hint: psst...call me.		  
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08:04pm 03/08/2005
 
mood: sad
I cant take this anymore and I'm fed up.

I want it all to end cause I cant take it anymore...my heart hurts too much to be able to handle the pain that you dish out. Things are so different now and i thought that i could take it and I thought that I would be able to stay strong and not react to anything that you give me. I was totally wrong.

I'm so stressed out that I cant sleep right and my eating pattern hasnt really gotten better and i barely eat anything. It has me this fucked up and the sad thing is you say that we are friends and shit but you never ask me how I'm doing or how i am feeling. What is wrong with this picture?

everything is the same as the way that it was before except for the one thing that everyone knows...THE COMMITMENT! It hurts too much to do what I'm doing and I think that it would be a smart move on my part to finally admit that. It wont change...nothing will change and I guess that I have to be the strong person and know when to walk away.

I was making an honest effort I swear that I was and I guess it wasnt good enough. I was trying to do my best and I just dont think it is working. I cant take it. I feel bogus lying to myself and I dont think that I can handle it anymore.

He saw me upset today and asked me what was wrong and I cant tell him. I just cant. I also dont know what to say to that question either. I dont know what I should bring up first. I Cant believe that I let myself down and let myself show that I was hurting. I didnt want to do that and I didnt want him to think that something is wrong. Of course there is something wrong here but I dont think at least right now that something will change. I'm so stressed out about this and I let my gard down and I let him see me upset. I have to stop this and it has to end. I am letting myself down. I left the room twice and started to cry because I am letting it get to me. Trust me I wont let it happen again.

I want it all to end. The sadness has to end.		  
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05:21pm 25/07/2005
 
mood: scared
It's so hard. I'm so sick to my stomach and I want to cry all the time but I cant let him see me like that. I want to try and be strong and then who knows. Writing about how I really feel in this journal is kinda hel;ping and maybe it's like the first step into getting past all my shit. I think that that will help me and hopefully me and him. I cant think about that all the time though and I need to just let things flow. I guess it's still one day at a time.

I'm still so scared and I shouldnt be cause I guess it could be a lot worse. I'm happy with what I have for right now and maybe later on down the road...		  
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10:28am 25/07/2005
 
mood: worried
I want to burst into tears and I cant let him see me like that. I'm afraid that if I keep mentioning how badly I feel and how much I hurt that it will make things worse between us and I dont want that. I just need to talk to a counselor and hopefully start to get on the right track. I'm so scared.		  
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09:41am 25/07/2005
 
mood: sick
I think that I am making myself sick by letting this get to me. I have always had a problem with letting things flow and going along with the flow. I guess its because I'm scared that things wont go my way and I have to learn that they are out of my hands and that there is nothing that I can do about it. My stomach feels like it's in knots and it feels like there is a bunch of acid or something in there making me feel like shit.

I tried to take the day off today but I couldnt do it because there was no one to fill in for me. I think that I am putting all of this on myself because I'm just so scared that things wont work out.

note to self: Jenn calm the fuck down and hey at least he's being cool about it.

I just love him so much and now that things arent the same there is a weirdness and that maybe what is upsetting me so much. I just hope that everything works out and I'll try to keep a good head on my shoulders and remain calm about the situation. What else can I do right?		  
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11:35pm 24/07/2005
 
mood: blank
I dont know how to handle the current situation that I am in. It's not like I hate the situation that I'm in right now but I just wish that things were different. I want thigns to go back to the way that they were and I know that that cant happen right now and I just want so much for things to change. What do I do now that I know things cant be the way that I want? What do i do? I miss him in the way that I had him before. I miss the way it felt when he would kiss me with feeling and heart and now I know that its completely different. I know that there arent much feeling behind it and I know that I should be happy with what I have right now and trust me I am, but I guess I'm being selfish by wanting more. I want what I used to have with him. It is heartbreaking to know that what I want I cant have...it hurts to know that I wont be the only one around him. I dont know if I can handle that. I dont know if this is a good thing.

I dont know if I could handle him wanting to be with someone else...I know that I couldnt be around for that. I am happy with what I get dont get me wrong. I'm glad that things arent shitty between us cause trust me they could be a lot worse than the way that they are. I'm totally greatful that he is totally understaing and that he doesnt hate me. I am happy for that. I'm glad that we're still cool and that we're still friends. Things could have ended badly and they did of course but not as bad as they could have.

I just miss what we used to have like the closeness. Now, there is a weirdness that I know wont go away for awhile and it sucks. I dont think that it will happen any time soon and it sucks. I want things to be different and they cnat be at least right now. It's a maybe and I hav eot take that and it could have been a no. It could have been a hell no and I dont want anything to do wtih you and it's not. It's a thing like I still want to be friends and I still care about you. I'm glad that I have that and I want more but I know that it will take time. I'm nervous I'm not going to lie and anyone that knows me knows that I like to push things and that I am not a patient person.

I want to change that and I want to change many thigns that are going on in my life. I talked to my mom and she said that it would be ok if i want to get into counseling. I need it because I have to learn how to deal with the shit that has happened to me and the one problem that I had with him was that I would put all my bad shit on him and expect him to know how to handle it. It was wrong of me and I know that. I shouldnt have done that.

Jesus, I nknow that I'm going on and aon about the same problem and that I need to lighten up and let things happen the way that they happen. I'm nervous. I dont want him to..I'm not being fair again so I guess the only thing that I can do is take one day at a time adn whos knows when things will get better.

I love him and I hope that things get better.		  
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Ouch   
03:35pm 24/07/2005
 
mood: depressed
It still hurts and I want it to stop.

What will make it stop and how will I be able to handle it?

What am I supposed to do? How can I do this again?

I just want my life to go back to the way that it was before everything got all screwed up. I knew that this had to come and that maybe things would end but i didnt want it to go like this.

I was serious about what I told him...that I loved him and wanted to be with him for a long time and I guess for right now that isnt going to work out like that. I just want things to go back back to what I found so nice being with him...the comfort of being in his arms and how much I cared for him even though I did some rotten things to him. I LOVE HIM WITH ALL MY HEART.

I honestly dont know what to do or where to go or how to handle what has just happened to me. I love him to pieces and now all the pieces have fallen apart. My heart is bruised once again and I dont know how I can handle the pain. I want it to be over I want the hurt to end and I dont know if it ever will.

I want another chance and I know that I dont deserve one. I want a chance to prove to the man that I loved and still love that I can change that if he were to give me another chance I'll make it all better. I can do this is he were to give me the chance.

I aksed my mom if I could go into counseling to try and make an effort into fixing or dealing with my problems and then maybe just maybe him and I can get back together. I have to change in order to be able to move on with my life and finally act like an adult.. I have to take on my responsiblities and learn that I have to deal with whatever comes out of my actions. Actions speak louder than words and I have to prove to the man that I love that I do honestly love him and that I will never ever hurt him again.

I love you and I just would like a second chance. I know that I have had my fair share of chance but if I could get just one more I would show you how much you mean to me and how I will treat you better than I did before. I love you with all of my heart and things are going to be different from now on. I just hope that one day you will want me back or it will be ok if we get back together. I hope that you miss me and you will think of me while we arent together cause you know that I will be thinking of youand you already know that I miss you.

Please dont forget me and please dont give up on me. I will do anything to be what we once were. I love you so much!		  
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10:28am 24/07/2005
 
mood: depressed
I'm heartbroken.

I feel empty inside.

My stomach hurts a lot.

The sad thing is that I did this to myself and I hate it. I hate how I have fucked up my life so badly when I had a good thing going. I cant believe that I let this happen or that it just happened period. I'm in pain and the thing is that I have myself adn myself to blame...that's it...no one but Jenn!

I love him and I let things go so badly...I treated him like shit, I wasnt the best thing for him. I wasnt honest and that was the only thing that he wanted from me--honesty. I hurt him and now it's over. I hurt him and now he's pissed. I hurt him and now all I feel is hurt and pain. I miss him and there is nothing that can be done about it. There is nothing that he can do for me. I just want everything to go back to the way that it was and I want what I used to have.

I guess that I have to work on my shit and get better and deal with my demons and then maybe we can try again. I would love that just to be able to sleep next to him again and wake up and come home to him. I enjoyed knowing that I had someone that I could come home to that cared about me. I ruined it and now I have to make things better not just for him, but I guess this makes me realize that i cant run from my problems and that I have to face them because it can only make things worse.



I love you and I want to make things better and I will do my best to make everything ok and to prove to you that everything will change and then maybe we can be ok.		  
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10:08am 22/07/2005
 
mood: curious
there is something going on here n i will find out what it is.		  
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R.I.P. DEPTE   
10:50am 12/07/2005
 
mood: blank
I love Chicago and everything it has to offer. I love the fact that no matter what night it is there is always something going on and the only reason you should be bored is cause youre a dumb, lazy bitch who wont get off your ass and find something cool to do. It has a great underground music scene that I hear is poppin' and of course there are tons of bars and shit like that, but sorry kiddies you have to be 21.

Of course with all the cool shit that Chicago, Chi-town, or the Windy City what have you has to offer there is some bad shit.

I guess the reason why I'm writing this journal entry is because yesterday I found out that a friend of mine got shot. I dont know exactly what happened and I'm not sure that anyone knows, but I know that it happened during the weekend and now he is dead. I feel so bad for his family and they must feel devastated. I know that I wasnt that close to him, but it's still a tragdey. This hasnt happened to me before...someone that i know personally getting shot. I dont know how to handle that...I dont know if I cry for him if that's too much because I didnt know him that well. I just would like to know if there is going to be anything done for him cause then I'll do my best and go.

It's sad when a possible fun night out can result in something like that.

R.I.P.		  
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08:45am 11/07/2005
 
mood: irritated
It hurts but you know what I'm not surprised at all.


You suck!		  
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